Finding Peace
by RoarMI
Summary: After the battle, Harry shuts himself away from everybody he loves. Ginny tries desperately to reach him, but will she succeed? Set right after the final battle. GW/HP - rated M for reason
1. Epilogue

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters, they're all created and owned by J.K Rowling. That was just for all you people out there wondering if I indeed did create Harry Potter… Well. I didn't.

Epilogue:

The noise was ear deafening. Hands were clapping his shoulders, ruffling his hair – stretching out to touch The Boy who Lived. The Boy Who Lived again. Why was it, that he was cursed with life? No matter how much death he was surrounded by, no matter how many people wanted him dead, he stayed alive. Hell – he'd even walked into his own death, he had accepted it – and he was still alive!

He felt his feet move, his hands stretched out, to get through the mass of people. Why were they cheering him? Why were they smiling? Could they not see, that people were dead – and that their blood was on his hands?

He wanted to be alone. His head was throbbing, and his eyes were blurred and unfocused. He pushed his way through the mass of people, his eyes squinting. Somewhere deep down, he knew he was looking for _her_. He needed her now more than ever. Her hot breath against his ear, her arms around him holding him. Shielding him.

A flash of red captured his gaze. There she was. She was with her head on her mum's shoulder, her eyes glazy. Harry's feet automatically moved towards her – but he stopped himself. Her brother was dead. Her brother was killed in a fight that if he, Harry, had been quick enough, could've prevented. But as always, he was inadequate. He wasn't quick enough, not smart enough. And everyone was now taking the consequences of his stupidity. People had died. Her brother had died. He didn't deserve her. He didn't deserve happiness. He didn't deserve anything. His misery was making it easier to deal with the guilt which what weighing his shoulders down. Something inside him had broken.

He turned around, fought his way through shoulder claps and congratulations, and as soon as he was outside Hogwarts' grounds, he turned on the spot, and left was only the distant cheering from the castle.

Ginny had left him alone. She had thought that was the right thing to do. She had hoped that when he had had a little time to think it through, he would come to her. It had now been 4 days, and Ginny's patience was wearing out. She was worried sick about him, and he had done nothing to contact her. He disappeared after the battle, and nobody had heard from him since. She had barely slept since he left; his absence was like a dark cloud, hanging over the house. She would have no more of it.

He heard footsteps. Were they real? How long had he been here? An hour? A week? His mind was blurry, nothing was real anymore, nothing was familiar. Somebody was calling his name… The voice grew louder and louder. Arms encircled him, and he felt his head tilt into something soft. Soft and warm.

Surely it was an angel.

The voice was still calling his name, gripping him tighter. Something was familiar… What was it? A small slime formed on his dry lips.

She still smelled like flowers.


	2. Chapter 1

Chapter 1

_Guilty baby I'm guilty  
And I'll be guilty the rest of my life  
How come I never do what I'm supposed to do  
How come nothin' that I try to do ever turns out right?_

You know you know how it is with me baby  
You know, I just can't stand myself  
And it takes a whole lot of medicine  
For me to pretend that I'm somebody else 

His eyelids felt heavy, as if they were made of ledge. This was how it had felt like every day since the battle. Breathing alone had become something he forced himself to do. For what reason; he didn't know. Before, he was only haunted in his sleep. Now it was constantly playing in his head. Awake or asleep; they would not let him forget that they died. Because of him.

He shook his head.

The images kept playing; limb bodies on the floor, his mother's cries, Voldemort's cold laughter… Fred's dead body… Tears. So many tears.

He pressed his hands against his eyes and sighed.

Since when did he get this pathetic?

"Harry…"

He stopped breathing. He knew her voice, he could never forget it. What was she doing here? Something was coming back to him… It was blurry like a dream. Something… Soft… Warm… She had been there, yesterday. She had held him, called out for him… He was never alone.

He opened his eyes; she was sitting on the edge of his bed, her eyes fixed upon her neatly folded hands. Her long red hair was hanging loosely down her back… had she always been this beautiful?

He blinked. She was still there. He blinked again. Still there.

"Ginny," he breathed, his voice raspy from not being used for days.

He somewhat expected her to vanish before his eyes, she looked so unreal sitting there, untouched by all evil. Her presence was… angelic.

"Just what the hell do you think you're doing?" Her innocent face had quickly changed. She was now standing next to his bed, her hands on her hip.

"You just disappear, no trace, leaving me to worry sick about you. No note, no owl, no nothing. What do you take me for? Do you think you can just come and go as you please? I can't believe you just…"

_God he had missed her…. _

"… Went away! And I was _nice, _I gave you time to come to me, and you didn't! _I _went looking for _you_, and how do I find you…?"

_She was so beautiful when she was mad…_

"… Damn right near death! Haven't eaten for days! Creature saying you haven't moved, spoken – anything!"

Harry had lost track of her rambling. She was pacing back and forth now. Tears were flowing down her cheeks.

Harry's happy thoughts had vanished by the sight of her tears. What was she doing here? Why had she sought him out?

Could she not see that there was no future with him? He couldn't provide her with a real life. He couldn't help her through her pain, he could only worsen it. She should leave. Get a life.

His eyes went dead, like they had been for five days. He blocked her voice out. He was sure, that it was a twisted sense of obligation that had caused her to come for him. He needed no pity. He needed no help. He needed nothing. Not her. Not anybody. He didn't want to love her. Love meant hurt.

He got up from the bed, and went right pass her, as if he didn't see her there. Her sense tickled his nose, and brought tears to his eyes. He felt he hadn't touched her in a million years, his whole body screamed for her touch. But he forced himself to walk on. He had convinced himself it was for the better. Why did he love her? He didn't _want_ to love her.

Love meant hurt.

Harry slowly climbed down the stairs, his hand gripping the railing for support. As soon as he had left the room the images returned in his head, leaving him groggy and dizzy. They were becoming more real, 

clouding his thoughts, forcing him to live through it all. The world was spinning around him. All he could think about was to get as far away from Ginny as possible. Yet, it seemed like the hardest thing he ever had to do.

His body was screaming for her, while his minds desperately tried to reason with it. She was better off without him, period. He knew it, and she knew it. With this thought, he forced himself downstairs, step for step.

Miraculously he made it to the bottom of the stairs without falling. The short walk had drained his energy; he sat heavily down and the last step, and put his head in his hands. Everything spun around him, his head almost exploding with all the images. Razor blades were cutting through his brain, the pain so intense moaned. What the hell was happening to him?

"You need to eat." Her voice was calm and even, her anger gone. He could hear she was worried. And hurt.

"Harry, listen, you need to eat. Creature says…" Harry cut her off –

"Leave." His voice was raspy, she barely recognized it. "I don't need your help. Leave." The razorblades cut deeper into his brain as he said the words. He thought he might go crazy from the pain.

Ginny felt the anger boil in her. Did he seriously think she would just leave?

"Obviously you do!" She said, louder than she intended. "You haven't eaten Harry, I know you haven't. And from the looks of it you haven't showered either. Damn it Harry, I…" She swallowed. "I just want to help, ok?"

He remained silent for a few seconds. Why wouldn't she just leave? He didn't need her damn help… He just wanted to… What did he want? _Her… _his pushed the thought away, as soon it had entered his mind. She needed to go. For her own sake.

"Just leave." His head was still in his hands, his hands pressing against his eyes. He was afraid that if saw her again, he would give in.

"I'm not gonna leave. Get it through your thick skull. I'm staying whether you like it or not." Her voice was shaky, he could tell she was crying.

"Just leave, Ginny. I… I don't want you here ok? I don't want you." The razorblades cut through his brain again, this time so painful he moaned.

She was quiet. Why was she quiet? He still had his head in his hands, and if he couldn't feel her presence, he would think that she had left. The silence left him only with his own noisy thoughts, and it was driving him crazy. He needed her voice to scare away the demons.

Again he was being selfish, thinking of only his needs. She would be happier with a normal person, somebody who wasn't surrounded by death all the time. Someone who's hands wasn't stained with the blood of her friends and brother. So he forced himself to stay quiet, even though the silence was eating at his brain. He clenched his teeth; trying desperately to block out the images.

She remained silent for a long time. He was sitting on the stairs in front of her. His head was in his hands, and from the looks of it, he was fighting some internal fight. His muscles clenched and unclenched, and his fingers were digging deep in to his head.

It had hurt more than she cared to admit. She wasn't stupid; she knew why he had ended it with her. He had always had this thing for being noble… Doing the right thing. Usually it would piss her off, but she knew she would miss it if he stopped. It was a part of him.

He had really scared her. He looked so lost when she had found him; sitting there with empty eyes. She had called for him and he hadn't even acknowledged her presence. Like he couldn't hear her. And then he just passed out, leaning heavily into her. She had sat by his bed all night watching his chest, making sure he was breathing.

How had she missed this? She knew him so well, and still she had missed this breakdown. She knew that that was what it was. A breakdown. She was glad that he at least would talk to her. Secretly she had hoped he would go to her, and let her help him. But instead he had left, and by doing that he had hurt her. She wanted him to come to her. She wanted him to trust her. She wanted him.

"I don't believe you." She felt as if her voice would crack at any time. She needed to believe what she was saying.

"You've always said that you wanted to do things alone. Well Harry, maybe you don't have to do this alone. I don't care who's gonna help you, but I'm not leaving you alone. If you want me to leave, fine. But someone else will be here. We won't give up on you."

It happened so quickly. One second she was standing on the floor, looking down at Harry's bent over head – the next she was slammed hard against the wall, by an angry Harry.

She felt the air leave her lungs, as she was pushed against the wall. His hand was gripping her shirt, holding her tightly. His eyes were unfocused and red, it was like he didn't see here in front of him.

"I don't need you," he hissed. She felt as if the statement wasn't directed at her, but as if he was trying to convince himself. All she could do was stare at him; she didn't know what to say. She didn't even feel scared, even though he looked like he was ready to rip her head off, to prove his point.

But as she looked into his eyes, she felt his grip started to lose. His eyes became less intense, and the lines in his forehead disappeared. He leaned his head against her shoulder and repeated in a whisper;

"I don't need you…"

He slid down to the floor, and Ginny slid with him. She put her arms around him and held him tight, as his body shook with sobs. She put one hand in his hair, and slid her fingers over his scalp. As she rocked back and forth she leaned her cheek against his head, soothing him the best she could.

After a while she felt his body go limb, and his breathing evened. She laid down on the floor with him, his head sill cradled in her arms. She felt his warm breath on her cheek, and his body pressed up against hers.

For the first time in a year, she felt as if she was in the right place.


	3. Chapter 2

_I just want to hold you_

_I don't want to hold you down_

_I hear what you're saying_

_and you're spinning my head around_

_I can't make it alone._

He couldn't decide what to feel… Warm or cold. Something was keeping him warm, holding him close… But something from the other side was pulling him downward. It's cold and clammy hands was gripping his shoulders tighter and tighter, its hoarse voice whispering in his ear. He was a snake slithering on the floor. He could smell the blood, he could feel how he craved it. He was getting closer – he could even see him now. Mr. Weasley was sitting on the floor, his chin down and eyes closed. He was breathing steadily. Harry felt his body move against him, even though his mind was screaming for it to stop. He felt his head rise, and his teeth sunk deep into Mr. Weasley's body.

He bit and bit, and every time he bit the body changed. First Fred, then Lupin, then Tonks, then Ginny. The blood splattered over his body, and suddenly he was aware that he was no longer s snake, but himself. His hands were covered in blood; he could even taste it in his mouth. He backed up from the scene before him. The bodies were lined neatly up, their empty eyes staring into the ceiling.

He felt the hand on his shoulder, and this time it didn't feel cold. He felt a warm body press against his back, and a small hand rested on his sweaty stomach. The voice in his ear changed to a soft soothing one.

He rolled on to his back, and put his hands over his eyes. The dream was still in his head, and even though he couldn't feel the cold hands, he knew they were still there.

"Tell me…" Her voice was sweet and innocent, he thought. She wanted to know? The dream? He didn't want to tell her. He just wanted to forget. He tried to push the images away, but they stayed behind his eyes, like parasites feeding on his mental health.

He started to become more aware of the young woman lying next to him. Her warm body was pressed up against his, and her hand was resting on his chest. The more he focused on her touch, the more he felt the dream fade.

He put one hand over hers, loving the feeling of her silken skin against his callused.

As he stroked the back of her hand, he felt his headache lighten.

"Tell me…" she repeated in a whisper.

"It's nothing…"

"So trashing in your sleep and waking up drenched in sweat is nothing?"

"I've had worse."

"Then tell me this one. Please."

"No."

"Why not?"

"Because."

He heard her breath in to snap back at him, but she gave up.

Harry sighed. He didn't know what he wanted. He had tried to push Ginny away, and yet here he was lying in her arms, as weak as he had always been. Not even strong enough to protect the ones he loved from himself.

Her hand was now lying flat in his chest. He felt the heat seep through his skin, warming him from the inside. God, he had missed her.

He turned his head and caught her eyes in his.

As he looked into her eyes, it seemed ages ago that he had last seen them. Life before the final battle had paled so much that he could barely remember how he and Ginny had been before he left. He couldn't remember the touches, the words, nothing. It was like she was a part of a previous life.

He gently touched the side of her face, and slid his hand trough her red tresses.

Warm spread from the tip of his fingers, dulling the ache in his head and stomach.

As the warmth spread in his body, relaxing his muscles and calming his mind, a twinkle of pain fluttered trough his head. The warmth inside him was now almost unbearable. Since when did he have the right to feel… content?

Empty dead eyes flashed before his eyes, and in panic he flung his hand away from Ginny's face. He stumbled on his legs, only to stumble up against the wall. Panting for air, he clung to the wall using all his strength to stay upright.

"You need to eat Harry…" Ginny said; her voice just above a whisper.

Harry barely heard her; his headache was back, along with memories and images. He saw her take a step closer to him and he tried to step away. His weak body could no longer hold him up, and he felt himself fall to the floor.

Warm arms embraced him as he fell, and he was once again pressed up against a warm and soft body.

Ginny helped him to the table, where he clumsily sat down on one of the chairs.

"Harry, listen to me. I'm gonna fix you something to eat, and you're going to eat it. I'm not gonna sit by and watch you die, even if I have to stuff it in you. You hear me?" Her voice was teary, but yet firm.

Harry looked her in the eye, not seeing her entirely. The images were eating their way through his brain, leaving nothing but raw pain behind. But as she moved closer and grabbed his head between her hands, he saw her clearly. Her eyes glistened with unshed tears, and her cheeks were flushed. She was beautiful.

He gave her one quick nod, and immediately she disappeared into the kitchen.

The food felt like sand in his mouth. He struggled to swallow, but for some reason, he ate. Maybe it was his body which was screaming for food, or maybe it was the feisty redhead watching his every move.

She was sitting before him, eating in silence. Every once in a while she would glance at him with an indescribable look.

"I know what you're doing Harry, and you need to stop it. Nothing of all this was your fault. Nobody blames you."

He looked up from his plate, and look briefly into her eyes. What did she know about that? She wasn't there. She didn't feel it, she didn't see it. He did. He looked down again, unsure of what to say. His mind was a lot clearer now; the food had given him some of his strength back.

He felt tears threatening to fall, but he blinked them away.

"You weren't there. You don't know what happened." His head hung over his plate, his eyes refusing to look at her.

She drew in a breath and opened her mouth but Harry cut her off;

"I just want to sleep… Just… sleep."

He got up from the chair, and walked on shaky legs to the couch by the fireplace. He sat down, feeling the emptiness wash over him. He heard Ginny stifle a sob behind him; the sound cutting through his heart.

He heard he come nearer, he looked up and saw her standing holding out a blanket for him. Her eyes glistened, and a lone tear ran over her cheek.

He reached out, grabbed her wrist and pulled her down on the couch next to him.

"Harry, what are you… " Her voice trailed away as his thumb brushed over her cheek, wiping away the tear.

Her big brown eyes looked at him with such innocence, that he almost felt guilty just sitting next her. As he felt himself getting drawn to her, he went over all the reasons to stay away from her. His mind screamed for him to get up and walk away, but his body drew closer and closer to hers.

His lips brushed gently against hers, sending sparks down his spine.

He felt her hands tentatively touch his waist, spreading the familiar warmth through his body. He pressed his lips harder against hers, his hand creeping around her back, pressing her body to his.

As he felt her hands sliding up his back, and her soft lips on his, his mind emptied. All he could feel and see was her, her blazing red hair, brown eyes and soft lips. He kissed her harder, his tongue slipping in her mouth.

Without breaking the kiss he pushed her back on the couch. He felt her hands roam over his back, clouding his mind with her fiery touches.

He kissed her jaw, and trailed kisses down her throat. He sucked on the junction between her shoulder and neck, causing her to moan deeply. Her hands grasped his hair, and pushed him closer to her body. He pulled down her shirt, exposing her taut breast. He gently kissed around the nipple before he took in his mouth. He flicked his tongue over the hardening tip, making her moan even deeper. She pushed his head closer to her breast, and arched her back.

He felt his control slip by every second which passed. Her sweet taste and soft moans made him forget the world around him. Intoxicating his mind.

His blood rushed through his veins and his heart thundered. He felt her grind her thigh against his arousal, making him gasp around her breast.

At this rate it wouldn't be long till he lost what little control he had left. He moved up her body, and pressed his lips against hers again. His hand was gently kneading her breast, teasing the already taut nipple.

Her small moans encouraged him further, and he caressed her breast more fully, and ground his hips roughly against her.

"Fuck, Ginny…" he mumbled against her mouth as he felt himself tighten painfully. With the last ounce of willpower he had, he tore his mouth away from hers, and sat up between her legs. He panted heavily, trying desperate to get his body under control.

"Harry…?" Ginny's shaky whisper had him open his eyes and look down at her. He groaned at the sight that met him. Her blazing red hair was framing her pale face perfectly, and her soft creamy breast was exposed. He reached down and pulled her shirt back over her breast, removing the temptation – at least a little.

"Why did you stop..? Don't you want to…?" Her voice sounded a little hurt.

"Trust me Ginny, I want to… This is just… "He sighed. "Not the right time I think. I… I don't want to hurt you…"

Her eyes softened as he spoke and a small smile spread over her lips.

"Always so damn noble," she whispered, as she sat up and wrapped her arms around him. He took her in his arms, and held her to his chest.

They stayed like that for several minutes. Harry loved the feeling of her soft body against his, and feeling her warm breath against his chest.

The images of all the death had been chased away, leaving his brain used and exhausted. How had she done it? For days his mind had been haunted, for days he had been screaming in frustration banging his fists at the walls, but still images had haunted him cutting through his brain, eating his sanity. But just few minutes in her arms, and the death and despair was gone. The blinding razor-sharp pain was gone, and his mind was once again clear.

"Harry?"

"Mmm…"

"You stink…"

He snorted and a small smile graced his lips.

He didn't blame her; he had been wearing the same clothes for God knows how long… There was mud and blood on it his shirt and pants from the final battle. His hair had grown pretty long, almost reaching his shoulders. It hang in wisps around his pale face.

"Shower with me." His voice was calm, as if it was the most naturally thing to do.

Ginny pushed herself away from his chest, and looked him in the eyes.

"I promise to be good," he lifted both his hands in the air.

"Well…" She looked embarrassed. "Yeah, why not?" She got up and went for the stairs, only to be stopped by Harry's hand gripping her wrist. He pulled her closer to him until she was standing with her legs between his knees. He put his arms around her, and pressed his face into her soft stomach. He felt her hands on his head, holding him close.

"I missed you, Gin…" he mumbled against her as he tightened his grip.

He felt her bend over him, as she got to her knees in front of him. Her arms stayed around his shoulders, gripping him tightly as if her life depended on it.

"I missed you too Harry, I really did." She whispered in a shaky voice as she buried her head between his shoulder and neck.

Authors Note:

Sorry you guys – I know this chapter took a long time, but life got hectic – as always.

Promise the next one will be up sooner…!

Thank you for reading 


	4. AN

AN

Hi guys – my world just crashed. Half of my house burned down, due to some malfunction in my electricity… But my dog survived, and nobody was hurt – and I'm back on my feet… So my thoughts fell on this story. If there's any interest, I'll continue the story. Just give me some feedback on this note, and I'll get back to work. I feel kinda bad not updating for so long, but I sorta feel my reason is justified… O_o

But no worries, I was moving out when the fire started, so most of my things we're already boxed and put away – so I didn't lose much. So, except for being a little shocked I'm fine. 

RoarMI


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